When it comes to relationships, we often hear about emotional compatibility, shared values, and common interests. But what about sexual compatibility?
While it might even feel politically incorrect to bring the topic up, sexual satisfaction has long been a reliable indicator of broader relationship satisfaction. So how much does sexual compatibility matter, how do you assess it, and what can you do if the spark simply isn’t there – even while your partner checks every other box? Let’s take a closer look.
What is Sexual Compatibility?
Generally speaking, sexual compatibility isn’t all too different from overall relationship compatibility: it’s all about how your sexual desires, preferences, and expectations align with those of your partner’s.
But be careful here – we don’t mean that you and your partner need to be twins in the bedroom. In fact, sometimes being too similar can be a problem: if both of you enjoy being dominant in bed, this could naturally lead to conflict or dissatisfaction. Rather, sexual compatibility is whether or not you and your partner are able to find a harmonious balance that allows both of you to get off on a regular basis. As you both deserve!
How Important is Sexual Compatibility?
So, is sexual compatibility really that big of a deal? The short answer is yes, it absolutely is. As we mentioned at the beginning of this blog, sexual satisfaction is actually a key marker of a healthy relationship, while relationships with low sexual satisfaction are more likely to finish in divorce.
Now let’s be clear here: we’re absolutely not saying that it’s the only factor in a successful relationship. But it does matter: sexual compatibility can affect everything from your emotional intimacy to your own self-esteem.
This can be explained pretty simply: when you’re sexually compatible with your partner, it creates a positive feedback loop. You feel more connected, which leads to better communication, which in turn makes sex more frequent and more enjoyable.
On the flip side, sexual incompatibility can lead to frustration, resentment, and a breakdown in communication. Some couples even experience erectile dysfunction problems during sex due to anxiety stemming from sexual incompatibility, or stress about pleasing a partner whose needs are diametrically different to theirs.
How to Assess Sexual Compatibility
So, how can you actually evaluate sexual compatibility in your own relationship?
Open Communication
First up, the big C word – communication. Can you talk freely about your desires, fantasies, and boundaries? Do you feel comfortable expressing what you like and don’t like in the bedroom? If you can’t pass the communication test, it’s generally a red flag.
Mutual Satisfaction
Next up, are both you and your partner generally satisfied with your sex life? Is there an orgasm gap? Do you feel your needs are being met?
By the way, sexual satisfaction doesn’t mean every encounter needs to be the most mind-blowing sex of your life. But overall, you should feel fulfilled with what happens in the bedroom. Or the kitchen. Or the shower.
Willingness to Experiment
A key aspect of sexual compatibility is being open to experimentation. Are you both open to trying new things? Or does one partner always push for more while the other resists?
We all know how sucky it feels to share a fantasy to your partner and have them shut it down immediately, or worse, judge you for suggesting it. While your partner shouldn’t be obliged to partake in every fantasy you’ve ever had, the sexual aspect of your relationship should be judgment-free.
What to Do if You’re Sexually Incompatible
If you’ve assessed your sexual compatibility and found it lacking, don’t panic about it. Sexual compatibility isn’t fixed; it can be improved with effort, experimentation, trust and understanding:
Improve Communication
Just start talking! Having open, honest conversations about your sexual needs and desires – ideally with some humor added in to lighten the mood – can help create a safe space where you can both express yourselves without fear of judgment.
Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, you might need a little extra help. If you’re struggling to communicate about sex – while every other aspect of your relationship is without fault – a sex therapist or relationship counselor can help investigate where problems might be stemming from.
Expand Your Sexual Repertoire
As Samantha from Sex and the City once said: “I’m a trysexual. I’ll try anything once.”
Don’t be afraid to try new things together, and explore different dynamics. This could mean exploring new positions, introducing toys – hello our best selling penis pump in the US – or even new positions. Role play can be fun too: dressing up can help you detach from yourself and project your fantasies onto a fictional character, allowing you to let go a little more than you would normally. The key is to approach it with an open mind and a sense of fun.
Focus on Emotional Intimacy
Finally, remember, great sex isn’t just about physical techniques. Work on building emotional intimacy outside the bedroom, and you might see improvements in your sex life.
