We’ve all been there – the dishes need washing, the dog needs walking, and somehow Netflix keeps auto-playing while you and your partner sit at opposite ends of the couch, barely speaking. What happened to those deep conversations that used to keep you up until 3 AM? Or that electric feeling when your hands would accidentally touch?
Well, life and adulthood happens, and sometimes intimacy gets lost in the shuffle.
The harsh truth is also this: relationships don’t maintain themselves. Even the strongest connections need regular maintenance, so if you’re feeling more like housemates than lovers lately, you’re not alone – and there’s plenty you can do about it.
Why Intimacy is Important in Relationships
Before we get into why intimacy is important, remember that intimacy isn’t just about sex. Intimacy means feeling truly close and at-ease with your partner; feeling supported, loved, cherished, and respected.
And you don’t just need to take my word for it – most relationship experts agree that emotional intimacy actually forms the foundation for physical connection. So when the emotional bond weakens, everything else tends to follow.
Think about it – remember when you first got together? You probably couldn’t wait to share your thoughts, dreams, (and random showers together) with each other. That eagerness to connect is what we’re trying to recapture, so let’s take a look at what we can do about it.
Signs Your Relationship Lacks Intimacy
You Feel More Like Roommates Than Partners
“Hey, did you pay the internet bill?” “Can you grab milk on your way home?” If these types of exchanges make up 90% of your communication, warning bells should be ringing. Practical conversations matter, but they shouldn’t be your entire relationship script.
Conversations Lack Depth and Meaning
When was the last time you talked about something that made you feel vulnerable? Or discussed a memory that shaped you? If you can’t remember, your relationship might be stuck in small-talk territory.
Physical Affection and Intimacy Have Decreased
Again, not just sex – I’m talking about the casual arm around the shoulder, the quick kiss in the kitchen, the hand squeeze during a stressful moment. These little touchpoints matter enormously – think of it as slow burn foreplay!
You Spend Less Quality Time Together
Being in the same room doesn’t count if you’re both scrolling Instagram or huddled in two corners of the living room with your earphones in. Quality time means actually engaging with each other, not just occupying the same square footage.
Misunderstandings and Emotional Distance Are Growing
Fighting more? Or worse – stopped fighting because “what’s the point”? When misunderstandings pile up and resentment builds, you’ve got a classic intimacy problem on your hands.
Porn Is an Issue
While we aren’t explicitly anti-porn in and of itself, it’s a simple fact that excessive porn use can damage any relationship. Who wants to compete with people whose job it is to have sex!? Learning how to quit porn is difficult, but doing so can actually benefit your sex life enormously.
How to Rebuild Emotional Intimacy
So, what can you do about it?
Improve Communication
Drop the phones. Turn off the TV. Make eye contact. Sounds simple, but when was the last time you really did this?
Try this tonight: Ask your partner one question they don’t know the answer to about themselves. Something like “What would you do if money wasn’t an issue?” or “What part of your childhood would you relive if you could?” Then really listen to their answer – it’ll feel like one of your first dates all over again.
Spend Quality Time Together
Remember dating? Yeah, that thing you used to do before Netflix and sweatpants became your relationship staples. Time to bring it back!!
But here’s the twist – don’t just go to dinner and talk about work or the kids. Go somewhere new. Try rock climbing. Take a cooking class. Novel experiences create new neural pathways in your brain and actually facilitate bonding.
Show Appreciation & Affection
When’s the last time you told your partner something specific you admire about them? Not just “thanks for doing the dishes” but “I love how thoughtful you are about making our home comfortable.”
Gratitude is relationship rocket fuel, so use it liberally. You can learn more about this science-backed method to improve your intimate moments together.
How to Restore Physical Intimacy
Start with Small Gestures
If it’s been a while, jumping straight back into the sack might feel awkward, so just start smaller. Hold hands during a movie. Offer a shoulder rub after work. Hug for at least 20 seconds (seriously, try it – long hugs release oxytocin, the bonding hormone).
Prioritize Physical Connection
Let’s be real – waiting for the “perfect moment” when you’re both well-rested, stress-free, and magically in the mood at the same time? Might be waiting forever, sorry! Sometimes you need to deliberately create that space, even if it means putting it on the calendar. Scheduled intimacy might sound unsexy, but it’s better than no intimacy at all.
Address Any Underlying Issues
Sometimes there’s more going on – health issues, medication side effects, unresolved arguments, or deeper relationship wounds. If that’s the case, don’t be afraid to bring in reinforcements. A good therapist can work wonders.
Overcoming Common Barriers to Intimacy
Technology is a relationship killer, period. The phones we can’t stop checking are literally designed to be more interesting than your partner, your job, everything. Get off Twitter, create some tech-free zones in your home and life, or set a cut-off time when the internet goes off each night.
Time is another major barrier. We’re all busy, but relationships need investment. What can you cut from your schedule to make room for your most important human connection?
Final Thoughts
Relationships ebb and flow, and even the best ones hit rough patches. What matters isn’t avoiding these challenges but how you respond when they arrive.
Start small, be patient, and remember why you chose this person in the first place. With consistent effort and a willingness to be vulnerable, you might just find your way back to an even deeper connection than before.
