Let’s be real, sharing your most intimate sexual wants and fantasies with a partner isn’t always easy, especially if it’s a new relationship. But while it does take a good dose of courage and vulnerability to open up about what really turns you on, the benefits of exploring your fantasies – or simply letting your partner know what gets you off – are unmatched.
Plus, if you manage to get this convo done right, you’re going to build trust, deepen your intimacy, and create a bedroom environment where everyone feels confident and secure enough to fully explore every facet of their sexuality. The tricky part? Actually getting to that conversation. Let us help you out.
Why Communication About Sex Matters
Not to get all sex-ed with you, but we’re going to remind you why open communication about sex is vital for any relationship:
It builds trust and emotional intimacy
Sharing your most vulnerable desires and being met with acceptance strengthens your bond in and out of the bedroom – there’s just something so freeing about being able to trust one another with potentially embarrassing secrets or desires.
Both people can get their needs met
It’s a win-win situation; they get to hear what you like, which then opens up space for them to let you know what rocks their boat. Plus, no one’s left silently stewing over unmet expectations, which can breed resentment.
Ensure ongoing, enthusiastic consent
Yes, we’re getting very sex-ed now, but it’s important: clear conversations about boundaries can help both of you feel safe and fully engaged, making your sex life and intimacy dependably enjoyable.
Expressing Your Desires Openly and Honestly
So now the hard part! Well, one of the hard parts. Here’s how to make sure your message lands well:
- Use “I” statements: Focus on your own feelings and desires. For example, “I feel excited when…” is much better than “You never…”, which feels accusatory and hostile.
- Be specific about what you want: Don’t leave your partner guessing – explain your desires clearly and share why they’re meaningful to you, and explain what your partner can actually do to meet them.
- Express openness to your partner’s needs: Sexual satisfaction shouldn’t be a one-way street, so make sure to ask them what they want, too. Invite them to share their fantasies and let them know you’re curious and supportive.
- Listen actively and withhold judgment: If they share something unexpected, respond with empathy. Even if it’s not your thing, thank them for being honest and vulnerable.
- Be open to compromise: Not every fantasy will perfectly align, and that’s okay – just look for ways to meet in the middle where possible. For example, you might want to try out a bigger sex toy on your partner, but your partner prefers things au natural. The compromise? A dick pump! A dick pump will make your own penis thicker and harder for longer, (check out our before and after using a penis pump gallery to see what we mean) allowing you to enjoy your fantasy without your partner having to do something they’re not comfortable with. Win-win!
- Establish Clear Boundaries: Conversations about sexual desires can often veer off into point-taking competitions, especially in an unhealthy relationship. For example, “I do x for you, so why can’t you do y for me?” While efforts should be balanced on both sides, don’t feel pressured into doing something that you’re not comfortable with. Not everybody is sexually compatible, and that’s okay.
To expand on what we just mentioned about boundaries, it’s worth noting that your partner’s initial reaction might not be what you’re hoping for, especially if this kind of conversation is new. They might feel caught off guard, insecure about being “bad in bed”, or even defensive.
Stay calm and patient, and give them space to process. Reassure them that there’s no pressure – you’re simply sharing a part of yourself to build a stronger connection. If your desires don’t align perfectly, don’t see it as rejection. Instead, view it as a chance to understand each other better and find common ground. And again, not everybody is sexually compatible; if they’re demanding something you don’t feel comfortable with, you have every right to refuse.
Building on the Conversation
So to wrap up – talking about sexual desires isn’t a one-and-done thing, it’s a good idea to keep it an ongoing process. You don’t need to ask “is this good for you?” every 30 seconds while you’re in full swing, but checking in with your partner during your post-sex cuddle can be a good way to make sure everyone’s happy and getting the most out of your time in the sack. And don’t forget that as your relationship evolves, your needs and interests may shift, so open communication keeps you growing together, not apart. For more tips on keeping the sparks flying, check out our guide to improving your sex life.
